Elvis Doodle: Blog For Dogs - Sniffgate

I want to share a personal favourite with you now. It’s a game I have invented (and may seek the patent for) which provides hours of fun for you and your…well, for you, anyway. And that’s the most important thing.

This game is called Sniffgate. You’ve heard of Watergate? It’s a bit like that, except it’s not American, there’s no president involved and no tape recorders or wiretaps. In fact, it’s nothing like Watergate at all. I don’t know why I said that.

Anyhoo, what you do is this: take your human out for some exercise (they need it, believe me) and lead them towards some big houses, the kind with fancy gates at the end of their garden. You know the sort: big metal things all twisted round in something that’s supposed to be a pattern. I think they call it ‘rot iron’.

Stop at the first big, twisty gate, stick your nose to the bottom and sniff. And keep sniffing. Sniff as though your life depended on it. Your human may try to drag you away, but you must resist this if you can. Whine loudly and scrape your claws madly along the pavement as you fight to stay at the gate post – your human doesn’t want to be seen half-strangling their dog in public, so, if they’re anything like mine, they will give up and let you sniff.

Now comes the fun part. Keep an eye on your human and wait for them to drift off into a daydream. My human can do this at the drop of a hat, it’s quite incredible, although I hope she doesn’t do it when she’s driving…or, more precisely, when she’s driving me somewhere.

When your human is staring blankly into space, stop sniffing. This is vitally important, in fact, it’s the most important part of the game. And, if you have developed any acting ability – which you certainly should have by now – deploy this skill to its full extent. Gaze up at your human, then look around in bewilderment. Give a brief, pathetic wag of your tail. Try to catch the eye of anyone passing, and convey your confusion with a look that says ‘I don’t know why we’ve stopped here; I’m supposed to be on a walk.’ Accompany this with another forlorn tail wag, and you’ve succeeded in the first phase of Sniffgate.

At this point, your human may snap out of their stupor and walk forward, but don’t worry, simply repeat the performance at the next gate, and the one after that, and the next one again. You get the picture.

The entertainment factor of this game is unique, and results can be unexpected but are always interesting. Often, a suspicious house-owner will appear at their gate demanding to know want your human thinks they are doing, or this stranger will shout very rude words and make intriguing hand gestures. If you’re really lucky, someone will phone the authorities. In Scotland you are then ‘lifted by the polis’. This is cool. You get a ride in a panda car and then you wait on a comfy chair and a nice police woman feeds you most of their biscuit stash while your human is taken away and questioned about something called ‘casing the joint’.

Any time you are on a walk which feels a bit boring, or your human tries to rush you as they have an urgent meeting or something equally tedious, remember Sniffgate.

Sometimes, one gate is all it takes.

Ciao for now.

Elvis.